Life with Bipolar 1 Disorder
- Tedders
- Jul 2
- 6 min read
Updated: Jul 8
There's 2 reasons why I chose the image of someone on a swing for this post. First is to resemble the literal mood swings of bipolar disorder as if that's incredibly clever and original. On a more personal note, it's to relate the feeling of freedom and lightness one experiences on a swing back to what it was like being told I had bipolar disorder 1. My behavior tracing all the way back to events since high school suddenly made sense, and having the answers to why I was haywire in ways I thought I couldn't control.
I've mentioned previously that I was on Lexapro to treat anxiety. I got off it a few months ago due to weight gain and trusting my emotions were under control with the skills I had learned from my self-study, yoga, and meditation practice. I had a lot of energy when I was on Lexapro. I wanted to go outside more. I wanted to actually talk to people and look them in the eye when I did. From hanging out with friends more often to connecting with the cashier at the grocery store, I was feeling great and confident. That slowly began to slip again once I stopped taking the medication. I started to feel slightly more irritable like I used to, but was able to notice it more often and stay calm.
Then I started not being able to handle stress at all. My partner got sick, I was close to the protests in DTLA and the noise exposure of sirens and fireworks began to wear down on me. It was a constant reminder of the hate permeating throughout the country. I was extremely unmotivated and began to numb myself with edibles. I started accusing my partner of not being there for me, even though he was going through his own personal struggles and ailments. I realized I had gotten in my own head again, believing things that simply weren't true. I knew if I continued on this path, it would start severing my relationships by embodying my negative emotions and saying things I didn't mean to say, so I scheduled an appointment to get a second opinion of what kind of medication I should actually be on.
Right away, when I mentioned my energy levels and irritability runs in cycles, my new psychiatrist asked me some questions displayed below:
I answered yes to most of them. She then asked if there is a history of mental health issues in my family. I answered yes for 3 individuals who had battled with anxiety, depressions, and included my father who we suspected had ADHD and bipolar disorder. I mentioned that I was open to an evaluation for bipolar disorder, to which she responded that the screener was actually just that. I got quiet when she said that I qualified for type 1 bipolar disorder, meaning my mood swings aren't as extreme as bipolar 2 but that my symptoms showed the below:
1 good week out of the month when I'm "up" or manic.
Being in a down swing most of the time, not fully depressed, but tendencies to get into my own head with worries, leading to psychosis or delusional episodes (aka believing things that are simply not reality). This includes being impulsive with my emotions, leading to reactivity and not being able to justify arguments with logic.
Cycles of when I spend more money, impulsively.
Not feeling tired or being able to sleep due to boosts in energy levels. I could sleep for a few hours and be able to have high levels of energy after.
Being able to do a lot of activities and becoming extra social during a window of time, then going back to being introverted and a homebody.
Racing thoughts that could be perceived as anxiety, but that frequently jump from topic to topic.
Hearing that it wasn't just anxiety, but my own brain playing tricks on me had me conflicted. I kept trying to assert that I had anxiety, but she was fairly convinced it was bipolar 1 and could not be persuaded. I felt like I didn't know myself, let alone know if my own thoughts were true or not. I don't mean hearing voices like schizophrenia either; more so reading into situations and convincing myself of scenarios that would justify how I was feeling. If someone called me out about something inappropriate I said or did, I would become defensive and make them the bad guy. I was more offended about the way they would make me feel than considering what I did was wrong. Or I when I was impatient, I would become very irritable and snap. Sometimes I would be totally okay with a situation, other times I would fly off the handle for the same issue. I was completely unpredictable in the way I would handle anything and everything.
She went on to say that she wanted to help me control my mood swings, but that if symptoms of anxiety were still there after I'd adjusted to the mood stabilizers, we could try other anxiety medications. She also mentioned that being on Lexapro put me in a constant state of mania where I was always feeling good. It led me to spending more money, which I'm still paying off and put me in trouble with my credit card for the first half of the year. Not only that, but if I had stayed on it, I could have become so manic that it would have made me more susceptible to taking more risks, even physically. She said it was actually a GOOD thing that I got off Lexapro and that they usually don't prescribe this medication to people with bipolar disorder because of this exact reason: becoming a danger to yourself.
Although I felt a little scared about how I've been hard wired to put it simply, I felt relived to know what it was and that medication was an option. I was kicking myself for regressing back to my old ways after all the time, effort, money and study I spent on controlling my over-reactiveness, but knowing that bipolar disorder could be passed down genetically made me have compassion for myself. I was comforted to know that if you have a parent that has bipolar disorder, it is a 50% chance that you will have it too. I began to see parallels in how my dad treated people in myself which made me ashamed. I never wanted to hurt people the same way he did, but I stopped myself by recognizing that I am taking the steps to be better instead of covering up my flaws as he did. I wanted to own up to my mistakes and regulate myself instead of trying to be absolved of any accountability. Now knowing that I have bipolar disorder, I want to become more aware of these tendencies, not use the diagnosis as a crutch and excuse myself from my knee-jerk reactions.
That said, there's nothing to be ashamed about. I feel like I know a major piece to my puzzle now and that I'm closer to understanding myself even more. Being diagnosed with a disorder doesn't mean you're tainted. We're human just the same as everyone else, except now we can notice our triggers and ask ourselves what we're basing our thoughts on. If there is no logic or evidence to support it, we can have compassion for our overwhelming thoughts and sit with our emotions.
I know my bipolar tendencies really spring up especially when there's more stress in my life or after traumatic events. I became more hardened, bitter, neurotic and frantic after each hardship. Knowing I'm bipolar also helps me to asses what I'm going through and how that could impact my mood. Seems pretty reasonable right? We all go through things that put us on edge. We just need to ask ourselves if it's necessary and worth putting ourselves and others through the emotional turmoil we battle within us. I know when I go through an episode, it's hard to let go of my thoughts and feelings and soothe myself. It's certainly easier said than done. However, I always feel exhausted after it, especially if I've sabotaged myself with another thought process. Personally, I'm tired of digging that hole for myself and grateful for the opportunity to lessen the suffering and consequences of my outbursts.
Take care,
Tedders
(Owner/Contributor)
Comments