Nostalgia and moving on

Have you ever tried to replicate a moment that gave you the same feeling of excitment and exhilaration as the first time? Was it ever truly the same?

The first time I experienced this was back in elementary school. We had played a great game of four square on the blacktop at recess and I remember the sun at golden hour, the way the air felt, being on top of my game and just having a great time with friends. The next day, I came back to school, thinking recess would unfold the same way. But some friends didn't want to play, it was hot, and even my energy levels were low. I remember at the time being disappointed that I wouldn't have that experience again, where everything felt like it just clicked.

Now that I'm in the corporate world with my "big girl" job, I've been thinking back to how much I loved my time working in retail. At this particular store, I stayed there for 6 years through most of my college career and early motherhood. What really made the difference in this retail job was the kind of products we sold. It was centered on important products you sometimes couldn't find anywhere else, let alone in one place. It brought in a certain clientele, people who were more down to earth and a pleasure to interact with. I also had the best work family that I considered a major support system.

We took care of each other, cooked for one another, had inside jokes, treated each other with respect but also stayed real and honest. We knew each other's families, personal stories, drama, and most of all, we were free to be ourselves. I had been told it was inappropriate to be that close with your coworkers, but I realized that the more you know someone, the more you can relate to them and work harmoniously with greater understanding and compassion. We were a close-knit bunch and customers could feel that positivity. They kept me grounded and I genuinely looked forward to going into work every day. I knew some days would be more challenging than others, but it was where I belonged. I was comfortable and confident, and they recognized my capabilities.

A manager once wrote a card of praise stating:

"You are so balanced, stay on task and don't overthink. You never see things as being impossible!"

It really meant a lot. It still means a lot, especially now that I do overthink, have anxiety and do my best to avoid conflict. With the work I do now, I look back on this time fondly and find myself wishing to go back. I wouldn't be able to afford to on multiple levels, but dwelling on my nostalgia is contributing to my overall dissatisfaction of my current workplace.

So why am I not there, you might ask...

The pandemic.

People moved away, sought other job opportunities, were let go... our family disbanded and I found myself leaving the company that year as well to focus on school full time. Eventually, our conversations became infrequent and now I only talk to one person. The last time I spoke to the "mom" of the group (who still works there), I expressed my longing to go back to that time. She said, "Aw, kid, it's not the same. It never will be, but we had some great golden years, didn't we?"

My eyes welled up with tears, even now. Because she's right, those "golden years" were perfect just the way they were, encompassing all our different personalities and quirks. It was the most friends I ever had at one time. It made me like people and realize that people like me too. Belonging and human connection is a fundamental desire for all of us. Without it, it does serious damage to our psyche and cognitive sharpness. After lockdown, my relationships with people just haven't been the same. Everything political to follow made me lose my faith in the human race even more and I closed myself off. This has been a theme since childhood where I would rather play by myself than with anyone else. Maybe that's why the game of four square meant to much to me.

My emotional reaction to her message made me understand that this is something I needed to grieve which I had not previously considered. It was a major loss to lose all of those people at once. In fact, the pandemic for many people was a huge, unexpected transition that none of us saw coming and that I believe still affects us today.

After a good cry, reminiscing about each person, what I loved about them and my favorite memory of us together, all that was left was pure gratefulness. I grew in so many ways due to their kindness, open arms, empathy and authenticity. Thinking back, it reminded me how these values are embedded in me because of their influence. While I can't go back there, that time in my life lead me to where I am now. I am supporting myself financially and living in a city I've always wanted to. I have a lot to be thankful for. There will be a time where everything is once again in sync. Perhaps I feel so uncertain about my life because things are about to align just around the corner. One thing I know for sure is that I will be able to recognize that opportunity when it's presented to me and seize the moment. It's a rare treasure to not take for granted, and I'm lucky to have made those memories with some of the finest people I've ever met.

Take Care,

Tedders

(Contributor/Owner)