Losing Your Magic

One of my favorite movies from my childhood is Kiki's Delivery Service, the classic Hayao Miyazaki film (of which I believe is part of the "core four" along with Totoro, Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away and Howl's Moving Castle).

I recently watched the film in Japanese to improve my recognition of Japanese words since I'm trying to learn the complex language. I found myself getting emotional at certain points because not only did it remind me of simpler times, but I began to see a lot of myself in Kiki:

Being on my own at a young age, trying to find myself in adolescence and navigating outside personalities, sometimes a little moody and stubborn, and most importantly having a trusty feline sidekick.

What really did me in was the moment she lost her magic and couldn't fly. When I was younger, I only saw this in the literal sense, but now I realized this plot point is an allegory of losing yourself and being hardened by the world. This can lead to being out of touch with your own power and talents, and forgetting to invest in the things that make you fulfilled and, well, you.

At this moment in my life, this topic came at no better time. I'm going through a bit of a quarter-life crisis. I feel like I'm not living up to my full potential and disengaged with life, let alone my current career. After accumulated trauma, stress, societal expectations, and the cost of living, I truly feel worn down. It's also a matter of just feeling like this is all I'll amount to and generally stuck.

I lost my magic.

And it hurts to be so far removed from yourself and to unlearn the things you know about life just to get back to blissful daydreaming about endless possibilities. Sometimes it feels too late to try again. Deep down, I know I was meant to do something creative, visual or performance related. Every time I think about making music or writing a script, I feel paralyzed. What I tend to tell myself is that if I haven't been able to do it already, then it probably would never happen. Maybe I'm lazy, maybe I'm not talented, so why waste my time?

Then I started thinking back to the last time I truly felt like myself. There was a period of time, when I was 12 and 13, I would dressed up and put make up on everyday, even though I was homeschooled and just going to the grocery store or Blockbuster. I would study music, put on my own performances, dance my heart out, write lyrics, learn about high fashion photography and create stories that I wanted to turn into novels. That was my normal state of flow and it felt magical.

I had a similar period of time in high school where I could really express and present myself the way I wanted. I was even in a band and excited to see where it would take us as a group. Then life got in the way and I went into survival mode. It never seemed to be the right time to do these personal projects. The lack of stability, whether it was my environment, my family, or my mental health, seemed insurmountable. I have survived and I'm very proud of my resilience and how far I've come, but now that I do have more time to focus on my passions, I'm detached from my intuition, my drive and my vision, let alone just exhausted from work after a long day. It's easy to want to veg out in the evenings because we all need rest and self-care.

However, I find myself becoming restless to be more than this. It's becoming more difficult to go into work and perform optimally. After speaking honestly with myself, I know the corporate world just isn't for me and never has been. Unfortunately, that's how many of us make a living, but I dream about going back to jobs of working with the public. I know that may sound weird, but I loved my time in retail and working face to face with people. I guess maybe it's just feeling more one with the universe, as though there is a place for me in the grand scheme of things. That's also what I get out of being creative. Not only do I feel in sync with the universe, but I'm in sync with the universe and limitlessness in myself.

I'm definitely working on being grateful for what I do have right now: a steady income, an apartment I love, healthcare, the ability to do fun things, a great partner and all the small joys in between. It does help to remind me that there's no reason to rush myself to re-route my life immediately. It's also not kind to berate myself for not having done something yet, but I do because I'm so deeply trapped in the void without any clear options. Yes, my soul is certainly restricted by the kind of work I do with numbers and quotas, but forcing creativity isn't going to help either.

I've begun to consider that maybe I'm so miserable because I've been starved of creativity and detached from my natural spirit. I wondered that if I spend more time feeling like myself, doing the things I love instead of pressuring myself to sit down and be creative, maybe things would come to me with more ease. Art should be fun, and that fun would hopefully translate into something people find insightful and interesting. So I decided to start small.

I imagined the person I want to be, how I want to look, and how I want to feel when I show up. I did my makeup in a bold way, I put on my favorite pieces of clothing and danced around to music that inspires me just as I did as a kid. I felt like me. When I looked in the mirror, I liked what I saw. I was cool and realized that if I could think that about myself, others must too. Some sense of confidence was back by just seeing myself as who I believe I'm supposed to be, embracing my own features and skin. It really changed my attitude the next day at work too with colleagues commenting on how I seemed more exuberant and enthusiastic. Even though I work fully remote, I did my makeup, wore an outfit that made me feel capable and elegant, and put on jewelry for once! I also started my day with this affirmation: "You are going to get through today at your own pace with your what you think is the finest quality you can provide. If someone disagrees with you, know that you are doing your best, and listen to the things that you need in order to be the best you can be. You are more important than your work."

The time I invested in myself to be myself was not a waste of time, it was necessary. For an hour or two, I had my magic back. Being yourself is freedom. Who can say it's too late for that? Now all I need is a bakery where I can work for the owner and live in their back house with a black cat. That sounds just gorgeous.

Take care,

Teddi (Owner/Contributor)