Sisterhood

Sisterhood has been something that I've really struggled with all my life. I always gravitated having more guy friends, and my relationships with women in the past have been messy and rocky. I don't think many of us are surprised to know that a lot of daughters have strained relationships with their mothers. I am not an exception.

My mom and I were very close up until I was 16. Then she got a boyfriend, one who was an incredibly bad influence on her and that I created boundaries in order to not influence me. I couldn't blame her. She had been with my father who was abusive for a decade and then had a long stretch of being single. So when a guy just 7 years my senior walked into her life, she jumped at the opportunity of love again... and love she did find. However, I found myself stepping in as the parent for her and myself more and more. She had plans to move with him out of the county and take me along with them. I knew it simply was not healthy for me. So I didn't go and I loved on my own, without being legally emancipated. I never processed how much of a loss that was for me, but it certainly did not help my view of women and the need to have a man to be complete. In fact, it strengthened my own desperation to have the same.

Now, my primary female figure severed, staying friends with females in high school and I beyond I found to be another challenge. I would have a best female friend for periods of time (a few months to a year), constantly hang out with them and have a great time, then something would happen. Perhaps an inconvenience, a disagreement, and I would decide, "I don't need this in my life," and severe that friendship, maybe even ghosting and blocking them without any notice or explanation.

This even happened with one of my longest friendships from high school. We stuck together for about 10 years, but there was a moment in which I realized the friendship was not healthy. This person's anxiety and insecurity had me spinning my own wheels, questioning myself and other people around me for an agenda. She was constantly fishing for validation and stewing over why men didn't like her (while making me feel guilty when men came up to me). And to be honest, I do feel for her. I've changed myself for a guy, tried to like the things they like, love bombed them and bought them expensive gifts, just to still be rejected. It hurts. But what really made me turn against her was when she would turn on these men, stalk them, stalk the women that they were dating and pick both of them apart. It was ugly and I started to see myself become meaner to other people as well and nitpick their looks, their personality, and even their achievements. It was jealousy at it's finest.

While I shouldn't have dropped her, I couldn't face being another rejection for her. I shouldn't have been a coward and I knew the circumstances that conditioned her to act this way. In fact, there have been times when I've been with someone who was playing the field with another girl and I and I descended into those same patterns. I needed to be better than the other girl instead of considering that maybe my love interested was just a jackass. I internalized the feeling of not being good enough which fueled my need to change who I am, a lot of which I realized I still carry today.

This comes to the current partnership I'm in. There was someone in his circle that I felt was a bit too eager, eyeing him too much, and an opportunist with an agenda. She was talented, had the chops to do what she set out to do, and I felt completely less than. Flat out. I started spending too much time thinking about her, then too much time trying to convince my partner she was bad news and that he should be careful. I even hung out with her to read into her words and intentions just to find all the flaws I could to weaponize. And I did.

Then my anxiety got to an extreme high where it impacting the people I cared about the most. I needed help. I went to therapy, got on medication, and started my own self-healing journey. I discovered that I was deep in shame, guarding my vulnerability and hating myself for my lack of successes by taking it out on other people for theirs and looking for things that were wrong with them. I also did discovered that I did NOT do that with men nearly as much. It made me think about how women are pitted against each other. We want to be desirable based on societal expectations of what we need to be... largely dictated by the male gaze and definition of how we should act, who we should be, the roles we need to play, and yes, how we look.

I hate competition. I really do. Sports? Not for me. Rising up the social ladder? Not a concern. But boy, when it comes women, we compete with each other, especially over a guy. "What does she have that I don't?" we wonder when a woman is picked over us. For some reason, I have never felt that way about a man and many times how this is embedded into us isn't apparent at all. It is based on insidious teaching, examples and experiences we've all been through since we were little. It does us a major disservice of being who we really are, being loved for our authentic selves, and having strong connections with other females. We fight each other over situations that are neither one of our faults and make each other the enemy when we have a shared experience of what it's like to be female and perform those gender roles.

After I untangled my web of shame and insecurity, this lady reached out to me to ask if I was okay during the fires in LA of 2025. She had been reaching out to get coffee with me for months before, but I couldn't bring myself to see her face to face with everything I had been learning and how cruel I had been. I had objectified her and shamed her myself! But I decided to suck it up and actually get to know her over a drink.

You can probably guess the conclusion I came to. I felt like the biggest fucking asshole and that she was the coolest chick, slaying her aspirations. In fact, I admitted I WANTED to be more like her and start trying new things. We even went rock climbing together as a first for myself. To be honest, it broke my heart that I got along with her. It made me disgusted with myself how I had crucified her. I realized that I had done this with so many people in the past with whom I had zero compassion or understand for - that I didn't even TRY to get to know before passing judgment. I had become a mean girl and I know I'm not the only one.

I did start thinking about the good, supporting relationships I have with women. My sister who has survived my father alongside me and who is a goddamn superhero with everything she does. And my longest, most trusted friend who is always encouraging me follow my heart and protect my inner peace. She just gets me. I started expanding my friendships with women and it's been so great to relate to each other in ways that men don't fully understand. I even reached out to my mom to heal our relationship. Although she has a lot of her own work to do and I don't agree with her a lot of the time, I can tell it's been freeing her spirit too. I'm no longer irritable and wanting to get off the phone so quickly and forgiveness has taken place on both sides.

I also have a yoga community talk that I meet up with once a week that is primarily compromised of females and this is where I've really opened my eyes to caring, considerate women who just want the best for you. I've never felt so uplifted by a group of people in my life who is willing to talk so openly about our feelings, our, hurdles, and our healing with transparency. It's authentic, it's real, and it's what I wish we can cultivate in our society. We need to respect our sisters, to hold their hearts with care and to show up for them so that we can all advance in this close-minded world. Staying divided is only going to hurt us more, as a group and also personally. You realize that when you talk about people and think negatively about others, it damages you too. It's an indication of how you are with yourself and the pain that has not been addressed.

So next time you catch yourself bad-mouthing or judging someone (men too!) ask yourself what it's really about. Most of the time, the answer points back to you, and sometimes it's not your fault but the what society has ingrained in you. During this self-awareness, please don't forget to have compassion and forgiveness towards yourself too. The only way we're going to treat others better is if we believe we deserve the same, and that self-love is transformative. We should all want everyone to feel good, including ourselves.

A beautiful display of sisterhood is a documentary called "Smoke Sauna Sisterhood" about a group of women in Estonia who share deep conversations and female perspectives during their sauna rituals. It's moving and intimate for the review because you see the subjects in their most expose, vulnerable states, not just by the fact that they are quite literally naked, but because what they talk about it and how they relate to each other is so raw.

Take care,

Tedders

(Owner/Contributor)