Parasocial Relationships

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, parasocial relationships are "one-sided, unreciprocated sense of intimacy felt by a viewer, fan, or follower for a well-known or prominent figure (typically a media celebrity), in which the follower or fan comes to feel (falsely) that they know the celebrity as a friend."

I've thinking about this recently as I was discussing with my partner how the ways in which we were raised are fundamentally different. He knew a life before the internet and social media. While childhood was without access to the internet (I would say up until I was 11), my coming of age years were spent mostly online. This was partially due to the fact that I was homeschooled during 6th-8th grade. I didn't have many friends to begin with as attending a private Lutheran school left a bad taste in my mouth. Many times, I would rather play alone than with mean girls and dismissive boys.

That's to say I've always been introverted. I've never been good at maintaining friendships. I've found many people to be judgmental and bossy. Maybe it's the type of individuals I attract. Perhaps I was too sheltered and sensitive. Regardless, now that I do have a thicker, if I don't feel invested in someone, I have no problem moving on from that relationship.

I'm sure there's many underlying reasons for that in my personality but this is to talk about how I found a new social circle.

When YouTube blew up in the mid-2000s, I began watching certain creators regularly. I started to care what they were up to, what they liked to do, and how they were living life to the fullest. Because I was stuck at home 24/7, I lived vicariously through them. I'm sure I picked up some of their mannerisms, humor, and views, which is quite weird to admit. When I went back to school in person, I was weird and awkward (and honestly who isn't?), but I truly think I would have been worse off if I didn't have this outlet. I got to learn what people's unique qualities could be like, without the risk. I could pick and choose my "friends" in a way, without the need to give anything back or be self-conscious about who I was. During a time when I was discovering myself and my own individuality, it meant so much to me to be able to recognize what (or in this case who) I was drawn to and the role models I wanted to be like.

Now, this isn't truly the first time I experienced this. I think we all have a celebrity we look up to. I loved Lady Gaga for example; her freedom, her spunk, her artistry, that fire. In a similar way, my mom was inspired by Stevie Nicks. We couldn't wait to watch the new movie Brad Pitt was in or see where the next book would take Harry, Hermoine and Ron. We are all looking for meaningful bonds and attachments that bring us comfort and appeals to our own tastes. The internet just made that much more personal and accessible.

I remember, for example, when Twitter came out. It blew our minds that we could know what Katy Perry was up to or what Beyonce was thinking at any given time. We got excited for the new Shane Dawson or Pewdiepie video, asking our friends if they had seen it yet. Pre-dating this was certain video games like World of Warcraft which established a community online built around geek culture that was otherwise seen as embarrassing in the "real world" at the time. Even anime culture had forums where you could secretly indulge in your guilty pleasures with other people. Now, all of these things are completely accepted and even considered cool.

Speaking from my own experience, I've followed certain internet personalities for more than 10 years. In many ways, it feels like I've grown up with some of them. I still watch a close-knit group of creators because I love their display of friendship, how they live life to the fullest, how they continue to evolve and improve their production quality of their videos. When you're in on their inside jokes, it really does feel like some kind of personal connection, even if it is one sided. It makes me happy and never feels like a waste of time.

Over the past 6 months, I've really gotten into Twitch. I stayed away from it for a long while, even when people close to me IRL constantly tuned into streams and eventually began streaming themselves. I just didn't "get it" or think it was for me. In fact, I used to post gaming videos on YouTube and it made up the majority of the content I consumed online throughout college. I just thought I grew out of it. Then, I started exploring VTuber content and began to understand that this isn't just watching someone playing video games or chatting, you're watching it for their personality, their unique quirks, and even their voice (which I would argue is a crucial feature of becoming a popular streamer). There is something and someone for everyone.

I have a few people that I get excited for and hop onto their streams when I'm notified they're online, even if it's for a short amount of time to say hi and see how their community is doing. Sometimes, there are streamers I like watching only when they're playing with others for that specific dynamic between friends. It just gives you a different flavor you may prefer over their individual streams.

I now understand why people love this type of interaction, especially people like me who are introverted. While I'm not afraid of interacting with people, finding your niche community this way gives you a sense of belonging that is more difficult to find than in the real world. At times, it can become a support system in your time of need.

Last summer, my mental health really started to decline (which is partially why I neglected this blog up until now). It was probably the most depressed, confused, and insecure I've ever been. Getting into Twitch, having that to look forward to, made such a massive difference in my life. I knew I was not alone and there were surely other people feeling the same way who were tuning in. The community I'm referring to (which I will not name), no matter how much the they tease and rage-bait the streamer, they deeply care about the same things I did - even contributing to a charity that raises multi-millions of dollars to help others. These were good people, or at least trying to be, by rising to the occasion and being of service to people they're never going to meet. Being able to think outside of themselves, and the streamer who lead and encouraged donations, was a beautiful display of humanity.

Why wouldn't I want to be part of that?

So when I start talking to my partner about these people like I know them, calling them by their first name, it weirds him out. Conceptually, it doesn't click for him and I think sometimes it worries him that I have these attachments to people I've never met, some of whom live on the other side of the world. I used to get offended when he would say, "this is the difference between our generations" which is a fair statement since he is older than me. But to me, I spend a lot of time with these people in a way, maybe even upwards of 5 hours a week. I point out that he loves watching certain political commentators, who post hour-long podcasts every single day that he pays attention to. Sure, it's about one specific topic, but you get to know someone, to some degree, when you're consuming that much of their content.

At this point, I'm no longer insecure about this aspect of my life after being truly honest with myself and the positive benefits that have come from it. Heck, I've been doing yoga with Adriene for over a decade now and she does feel like a trustworthy and kind companion. These people do move us, and despite not knowing every single viewer, our story, and backgrounds, we collectively mean something to them too. There is a response to them in numbers. They show up for us and we show up for them.

My partner ended up realizing there is a lot to understand and learn about me too through the kind of people and subjects I watch and care about. He's even been more open to me sharing clips and snippets I find wholesome or funny with him. I think because I accept it and don't try to hide it, he's more inclined to support me too. So yes, while the internet can be toxic, dividing, polarizing, and sometimes evil, there is so much good to discover as well. It's the thing that keeps me afloat during the turmoil and chaos in my country, to know others still have compassion and care for people they don't know. It doesn't matter what their views are, we come together for what we love and generate more of it. It's incredibly important to have examples like this during this time in history. People at the top may try to pit us against each other, but there will always be people who value life, harmony, and goodwill.

Take care,

From one human being to another