Parasocial Relationships

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, parasocial relationships are "one-sided, unreciprocated sense of intimacy felt by a viewer, fan, or follower for a well-known or prominent figure (typically a media celebrity), in which the follower or fan comes to feel (falsely) that they know the celebrity as a friend."

I was thinking about this recently as my partner mentioned how the ways we were raised are fundamentally different. He knew a life before the internet and social media. While childhood was without access to the internet (I would say up until I was 11), my coming of age years were spent mostly online. This was partially due to the fact that I was homeschooled during 6th-8th grade. I didn't have many friends at all to begin with as being at a private Lutheran school left a bad taste in my mouth where I would rather play alone than with mean girls and dismissive boys.

That's to say I've always been introverted. I've never been good at maintaining friendships. My best friend (who I have known for 15 years at this point since high school) remains that way because she respects my space, she gets me, my trauma, my needs, and we have very similar experiences and interests. We accept each other for who we are. Other people I've found to be too judgmental, bossy, and just generally toxic. Maybe it's the type of individuals I attract. Perhaps I was too sheltered and sensitive. Regardless, now that I do have a thicker still, if I don't feel invested in someone, I have no problem moving on from that relationship and going our separate ways. I have a limit, and if it's too much for me, I stop being interested.

I'm sure there's many more underlying reasons for that in my personality but this is to talk about how I found a new social circle.

When YouTube blew up, I began watching certain creators regularly. I began to care what they were up to, what they liked to do, and how they were living life to the fullest. Because I was stuck at home, I lived vicariously through them. I'm sure I picked up mannerisms, humor, and views from them, which is quite weird to admit. When I went back to high school, yes I was weird and awkward like everyone else, but I truly think I would have been worse off if I didn't have this outlet. I got to learn what people's unique personalities could be like, without the risk. I could pick and choose my "friends" in a way, without the need to give anything back or be self-conscious. During a time when I was discovering myself and my own individuality, it meant so much to me to be able to recognize what (or in this case who) I was drawn to and what role models I wanted to be like.

Now, this isn't truly the first time I experienced this. I think we all have a celebrity we look up to. I loved Lady Gaga for example; her freedom, her spunk, her artistry, that fire. In a similar way, my mom was inspired by Stevie Nicks. We couldn't wait to watch the new movie Brad Pitt was in or see where the next book would take Harry, Hermoine and Ron (not personally my taste, but you get the gist). We are all looking for meaningful bonds and attachments that bring us comfort. The internet just made that much more personal and accessible.

I remember, for example, when Twitter came out. It blew our minds that we could know what Katy Perry was up to or what Beyonce was thinking at any given time. We got excited for the new Shane Dawson or Pewdiepie video, asking our friends if we had seen it yet. Pre-dating this was certain video games like World of Warcraft and creating communities online built around geek culture that was otherwise seen as embarrassing at the time. Even anime culture had forums where you could secretly indulge in your guilty pleasure with other people. Now, all of these things are completely accepted and totally cool.

Speaking from my own experience, I've followed certain creators from 10-15 years. In many ways, it feels like I've grown up with some of them. I still have a group of affiliated people that I watch because I love their friendship, their love for life, their creativity, and innovative spirits. I also know of so many inside jokes that it really does feel like some kind of personal connection, even if it is one sided. It makes me happy and never feels like time wasted.

Over the past 6 months, I've really gotten into Twitch. I stayed away from it for a long while, even when people close to me IRL constantly tuned into streams and eventually began streaming themselves. I just didn't "get it" or think it was for me. In fact, I used to post gaming videos on YouTube and it made up the majority of the content I consumed in college. I just thought I grew out of it. Then, I started watching some VTuber content and began to understand that this isn't just watching someone playing video games, you're watching it for their personality, their unique quirks, even their voice (which I would argue is a crucial feature in becoming a popular streamer). There was something for everyone.

So I found someone that worked for me and that spanned into enjoying their interactions with other people they streamed with - that specific dynamic between two people or more. Sometimes, there are certain individuals you like watching only when they're playing with others. It just gives you a different flavor you may prefer over their individual streams. I probably have a few people that I get excited for and hop onto their streams, even if it's for a short amount of time, to say hi and see how their community is doing.

I now understand why people love this type of interaction, especially people like me who are introverted. I can confidently say that I'm not afraid of people, but finding your niche community this way gives you a sense of belonging and that it is there for you in your time of need.

Last summer, my mental health really starting to decline (which is partially why I neglected this blog up until now). It was probably the most depressed, confused, and insecure I've ever been. I was hurting a lot. Getting into Twitch, having that to look forward to, made such a massive difference in my life. I knew I was not alone and there were surely other people feeling the same way who were tuning in. The specific community I'm referring to (which I will not name), no matter how much they tease, rage-bait, and goof around, they deeply cared about the same things I did - even a charity that raised multi-millions to help others. These were good people, or at least trying to be, and rising to the occasion to be of service, to think outside of themselves.

Short and sweet: why wouldn't I want to be part of that?

So when I start talking to my partner about these people like I know them, calling them by their first name, it weirds him out. Conceptually, it doesn't click for him and I think sometimes it worries him that I have these attachments to people I've never met, some of whom live on the other side of the world. I used to get offended when he would say, "this is the difference between our generations" which is a fair statement since he is older than me. But to me, I spend a lot of time with these people in a way, maybe even upwards of 5 hours a week. I point out that he loves watching certain political commentators, some of who post every single day hour-long podcasts that he pays attention to. Sure, it's about one specific topic, but you get to know someone, to some degree, when you're consuming that much of their content.

At this point, I'm no longer upset when he brings this up. After I'm truly honest with myself, I love it and it's a big part of my life. Heck, I've been doing yoga with Adriene for over a decade now and she does feel like a trustworthy and kind companion. These people do move us, and even if they don't know every single viewer, our story, and backgrounds, we collectively mean something to them too. There is a response in numbers.

My partner ended up realizing there is a lot to understand and learn about me too through the kind of people and subjects I watch and care about. He's even been more open to me sharing clips and snippets I find wholesome or funny. I think because I accept it and don't try to hide it, he's more inclined to support me too. So yes, while the internet can be toxic, dividing, polarizing, and sometimes evil, there is so much good to discover as well. It's the thing that keeps me afloat during the turmoil and chaos in my country, to know others still have compassion and care for people they don't even know. It doesn't matter what their views are, we come together for what we love and generate more of it. Arguably, it's incredibly important to have outlets like this at this time, to remember that people's humanity still exists even when those at the top try to snuff it out.

Take care,

Tedders