Knowing Who You're Not

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYUB3hruvDE&list=PLkQFNhNzetpGKzpj9tD8PJjeDhOS6u9QV&index=141

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I wanted to share a video featuring comedian Atsuko Okatsuka because she talks about a wide range of topics that have to do with well-being, including how she discovered to be more herself, the hardships of adjusting to life in America as an immigrant, her familial dynamic, and being a perfectionist and people pleaser.

Let's start with a highlight of the video that really struck me when she talks about being a people pleaser. As you can imagine, it's almost a requirement for comedians to be people pleasers - how else are you going to make your audience laugh and guarantee they're having good time? However, she ties this concept to her relationship with her mom as a child. Because of her mother's schizophrenia, Okatsuka would try to find ways to make her mom happy by doing what she perceived to be the right thing in any given moment (giving her mom alone time, listening to her, entertaining her, being the one to talk, etc).

This resonated with me because I remember doing my best not to "rock the boat" as a young child and trying to find ways to make my parents' lives easier. It seemed like there was always something going wrong, another thing needing to be fixed, or drama between us all. I tried to go with the flow, rarely speaking up for what I wanted, and stayed relatively quiet. I did my best to honor my parents instead of fighting them because I saw the stress that was on their shoulders. My mom was very emotional, struggled with money, and would come to me to vent. Because of this, I became a great listener with compassion and empathy. On the other side, my dad would work 24/7 or be drinking and was verbally explosive. Instead of speaking my mind, I didn't want to be another nuisance or responsibility for them to worry about, although that is quite exactly your job as a parent. Because of this, I had dismissed my opinions, preferences and myself entirely. I was too anxious about calming the storms and being there for my parents instead of growing in the ways I wanted to.

Okatsuka then goes into how important it is to not jump to say "yes" to anything and everything just to avoid disappointing people. Another aspect of people pleasing is a lack of setting boundaries. She makes a point that if you say you're committed to something and then cannot deliver your promise, people will most likely be even more disappointed with you instead of setting those expectations in the first place. Her advice is to feel the emotion of guilt that you will turn them down and to give yourself time to answer them when you're not coming from an emotional state. Once you've felt and worked through that guilt, give them your real answer - the one that feels right to you.

Another incredible story she talks about is about is when her grandmother whisked her family away to America, leaving her father back in South Korea without notice. At some point, she decided to reconnect with her father and have a heart to heart with him about their experience with this event, not only get his side of the story, but to face that pain and fear (which in many ways ties into shame which can be debilitating). Talking about it openly healed a hole for both of them. To me, this spotlights how speaking of shame is the best way to confront and release that hurt. This is a perfect example of what Brené Brown covers in her research and books on shame. If interested, I highly recommend the books "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly" for a wonderful journey of self-study. It's difficult to come to terms with the things you'll uncover and work through, and some events may be very painful to revisit, but understanding that pain helps you to move past what was so that you can live without that weight for days to come.

In addition, Okatsuka admits that she is a perfectionist. She rewatches her shows, her delivery of each joke and how she can improve her craft. Although this sounds like a good thing, many times we begin to nit pick ourselves when we dwell on every single part of us that we don't like or what we could have done better. After all, perfectionists are their own worst critics, even to the point where it will cause you not to try something or finish a project. Then, you feel terrible about not sticking with it and begin a vicious cycle of disappointment with yourself. Perfectionism, many times, holds us back from cultivating a wide array of talents we can pursue and strengthen. Perfectionism can tell us that "if it's not easy, it's not for us" when things worthwhile take work. If you like doing it, then why not keep trying?

For Okatsuka, she believes her perfectionism comes from her time transitioning as an immigrant to the United States. Her English wasn't without error, causing her to remember a time when some friends she was playing with made fun of her speech. She states:

"I got funny in the language I struggled at the most and that I desperately wanted to try connect with people the most."

I feel this ties in with people pleasing as well and the need to fit in. However, I love how she used that incident as fuel to become a sharper comedian, and really, a better communicator. She mentions that the need to fit in also has her more aware of wanting what other people have or doing what other people do. One of the examples she gives is seeing her friends hike and feeling that maybe she should start hiking too. This is why her idea of knowing who you are not is so important:

What do you dislike? What could you never see yourself doing because you simply don't want to? This is different from skills that you don't have that you think you could enjoy building. Knowing who you are not isn't reflective of the qualities you don't have now, but mainly trying to avoid getting stuck in a place where you don't think you belong. For example, I'm in market research right now because it is the first job I took right out of college. Am I good at it? Sure. Do I think it's for me? No! I actually really don't like working with numbers and that's ALL I do, day in and day out. But it also helped me realize what I'm not and pushes me to work on some of my other attributes to get me to where I want to go. In fact, I don't even know where that is at the moment, but it's helpful to simply understand what isn't for you. Sometimes the things that come to you naturally is not what you want to do!

One of the last lines in the video is:

"You are afraid to be the thing you actually are 'cause if you're not accepted for who you actually are, then shoot, it's like that's all you had. Sometimes you arrive at that last. It's weird that I had to open myself so much - I found comedy, I became an entertainer - to be able to finally feel like I belong."

I truly believe that when we follow the things we are interested in, when we work hard at it, our true composition comes alive and people are drawn to it. When you do what society expects of you (albeit sometimes necessary to survive) you become lost in the crowd. You forget yourself and it's harder to stand out. All the while, you feel stuck and unfulfilled. That's why I'm leaning into the skills and areas of interest that I want to strengthen, even if they are hobbies just at first. Let your day job fund your passion and let your passions inspire and keep you going, even when your 9-5 gets rough. Nothing has to be set in stone or permanent, no matter what age you are. Remember that!

I hope you enjoyed the video and additional commentary.

Take care,

Tedders

(Owner/Contributor)